How do you manage stress?

Advice from someone who occasionally ignores her own advice.

I am very prone to stress, which, if I don’t manage it well, can affect me quite deeply.

Throughout my life, however, I’ve had plenty of opportunities to practise: serious illness, marriage breakdown, financial difficulties, and parenting neurodivergent children in environments where understanding hasn’t always been readily available.

I don’t want to put myself on a pedestal and pretend I’ve mastered the art of resilience. In the spirit of authenticity, I must admit that sometimes I have struggled, and sometimes I still do.

Nevertheless, over the years I’ve developed a fair amount of resilience, along with a collection of strategies that help me navigate life when things aren’t quite so bright.

Here are twelve of them. Plus one I occasionally pretend doesn’t exist.

1. Recognise your warning signs

One of the most useful things I’ve learned is to recognise when my stress levels are rising, preferably before I explode.

I pay attention to my communication. When I become unusually impatient with others, I know something isn’t quite right.

My music choices can also reveal a lot. When my playlist suddenly shifts from Bob Marley to Nirvana, perhaps it’s worth investigating what’s happening inside my head.

An increased craving for carbohydrates and a sudden preference for takeaways over cooking are other suspicious signs.

The important thing is to learn your own patterns so you can act before stress becomes overwhelming.

2. Identify what’s actually bothering you

Once I notice the warning signs, I try to understand what’s underneath them.

Am I angry, frightened, disappointed, overwhelmed or simply exhausted?

Sometimes identifying the emotion and its cause helps me move away from the unpleasant feeling and towards finding a solution.

After all, it’s difficult to address a problem when you don’t know what the problem actually is.

3. Grow a worry tree

When there’s no immediate solution, I sometimes write down the problem and create a worry tree, mapping out the different possible outcomes, including the dreaded “what ifs”.

Seeing the worst-case scenario written down makes it surprisingly less frightening. It becomes one possibility among many, rather than the inevitable disaster our minds sometimes convince us is approaching.

It’s a useful way to interrupt catastrophising and remind ourselves that most of the time, the worst possible outcome doesn’t happen.

I sometimes do this mentally, although writing it down is considerably more effective.

When I’m not too lazy to do it, that is.

4. Don’t let one problem become your entire world

When something goes wrong in one area of life, it’s easy to let it occupy all our thoughts.

I find that the more different areas of life I actively engage with, the less likely I am to become completely consumed by one problem.

Hobbies, friendships, love, family, learning something new — anything that brings pleasure, connection or a sense of achievement.

It’s not about avoiding difficulties. It’s about remembering that life contains other things too, and allowing those things to recharge our batteries.

5. Take time off before you collapse

This is particularly important when other people depend on you.

We often convince ourselves that we can keep going a little longer, even when we’re already running on empty.

But you cannot pour from an empty cup.

If you can’t take a week off, take three days. If you can’t take three, take one.

And do something special with it. Something that genuinely restores you.

Not cleaning the house.

Unless that’s your hobby, of course. In which case, enjoy yourself.

6. Go offline occasionally

Modern life is full of sensory stimulation, information and endless mental demands.

Sometimes the best thing we can do is disconnect from it all.

I occasionally go to the seaside with a book, turn down the volume on my phone and simply enjoy being there.

Nature, physical activity, painting or doing something practical can help shift our attention away from constant mental activity and back into the present moment.

There is something wonderfully liberating about being temporarily unavailable to the world.

7. Connect with good people

Research has repeatedly linked strong social relationships with better health and longevity.

But I believe the quality of those relationships matters enormously.

Seek out kind, positive people who make you feel supported and accepted, rather than those who constantly drain your energy.

And if you don’t have many people around you, start small.

Have a conversation with the friendly shopkeeper. Smile at someone. Take an interest in another person.

You never know where a little human connection might lead.

8. Use music to regulate your mood

A friend who is a music therapist introduced me to the idea of using music intentionally for emotional regulation.

Over time, I’ve observed how different songs and genres affect me, and which ones help when I’m angry, sad, anxious or lacking energy.

Rather than simply listening to music that reflects my mood, I sometimes deliberately choose something that might help change it.

If music isn’t your thing, films and books can have a similar effect.

Choose something cheerful or comforting. Or, if you feel you need to release some emotions, have a good cry over a tearjerker.

Just try not to spend too much time consuming depressing content.

9. Enjoy sensory pleasures

Sometimes very simple physical sensations can help interrupt a stressful train of thought.

A lovely fragrance, the smell of the sea, beautiful colours in nature, soft fabric, a warm bath or something refreshingly cool in summer.

These little pleasures can help bring our attention back to the present and provide a moment of comfort.

And sometimes, of course, there’s chocolate.

Yes, I know. Calories, weight, healthy eating.

But occasionally a piece of chocolate is simply a small pleasure, and not everything enjoyable needs to become a moral dilemma.

10. Remember the power of touch

A massage, a warm embrace or a cuddle with someone you love can be wonderfully comforting.

Affectionate touch is associated with oxytocin, a hormone involved in bonding and social connection, and can help us feel calmer and more secure.

I think we sometimes underestimate the comfort of physical affection.

Not every difficult feeling needs to be analysed or solved.

Sometimes a cuddle will do.

11. Pray or meditate

Prayer and meditation can help us step outside our immediate worries and gain a different perspective.

Whether through faith, spirituality or simply quiet reflection, connecting with something greater than our everyday concerns can bring a sense of peace.

Ideally, these practices become part of a regular routine.

Unfortunately, slackers like me occasionally fall off the track.

But I’ve learned that there’s no need to turn that into another reason for self-criticism.

It’s never too late to return.

12. Stop blaming yourself!

It’s easy to fall into the trap of comparing ourselves with others. Everyone else seems to cope better. What’s wrong with me?

I once heard an anecdote about a famous psychiatrist who asked his students:

“Do you know which person isn’t insane?”

The students remained silent.

“The one you don’t know well enough yet.”

The same applies to stress. Just because someone is smiling doesn’t mean you know what they’re going through.

Stress is one of the great problems of our time. Anxiety and depression are widespread, and perhaps we should question our environment rather than constantly blaming ourselves.

We didn’t evolve to spend 8–12 hours sitting in offices, eating junk food and tolerating endless demands. Our stress response evolved to help us survive immediate dangers, like a lion we could fight or run away from.

Today, the lion might be your boss or colleague, and unfortunately, running away isn’t usually an option. So we sit there smiling politely while our internal alarm system screams.

Perhaps you’re not failing to cope. Perhaps you’re coping with too much.

Be kind to yourself. You need it! And you certainly deserve it!

12. Bonus tip: Exercise!

I’m adding this one rather quietly, because I’m guilty of neglecting it myself.

Regular physical activity is one of the most effective evidence-based ways to help manage stress, improve mood and support mental wellbeing.

Walking, swimming, dancing, yoga, cycling — whatever gets you moving and feels enjoyable.

You don’t have to become a marathon runner. Even a short walk can help.

I know this. You probably know this.

Now, if only knowing something automatically translated into doing it.

Finally…

I don’t believe resilience means never struggling, never crying or remaining cheerful regardless of what life throws at us.

Some situations are genuinely difficult. Some losses cannot be fixed by positive thinking, a walk on the beach or a particularly good playlist.

And sometimes we need professional support rather than another self-help strategy.

For me, resilience means learning to recognise when I’m struggling, understanding what I need and finding ways to care for myself while navigating life’s difficulties.

I still get stressed. I still worry. I still occasionally catastrophise.

And sometimes I ignore all twelve of my own excellent suggestions.

Especially the bonus one.

But I’m learning.

And perhaps that’s enough.